Computers vs. Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles
to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics
(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the
road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of
the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.

About a New Wing on a Hospital

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their
hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists
advised no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists
thought the administration had a lot of nerve and the obstetricians
stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body" while the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic
surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt
the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some ass in
administration.

Puzzling

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started!"

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

Then he takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

Menstrual Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.



For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass
while he is on fire.


Further studies in this area have been canceled.

The Joys of having Boys

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft.

House 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with

Roller blades, they can ignite

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

Restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

Enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing "Batman" underwear and a Superman Cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. Room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When

Using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times

Before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit

By a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already

Too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a

36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year

Old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still

Can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials

Show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not

Like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms

Dizzy.

22) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats

Dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake

Fluid.

25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,

With or without kids.

A) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical

B) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

C) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

D) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

E) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

New Rule in Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, dang it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"Okay, Picture this. I'm naked inside a refidgerator..."

BEWARE Sam's/Costco Shoppers!

BE AWARE!!!! I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I'm running out of purses....

Jack's Pants

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'
So she did and said, 'These are too big.  I can't wear them.'
So I replied "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thinks that might be good advice.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large; they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and 
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack, and says, "Here, you try on mine".

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly.  And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

The Modern Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

...So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Ten," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are
used for?

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's five. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

New Meds for Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip on other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Never Say to a Cop

(My Aunt's a police officer and she sent this to me, too!)

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Pregnancy in the 21st Century

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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>You've Got Male

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End.

Satan in Church

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the Church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited
the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan?
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 44 years."

Dogs and Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years ... Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an

Adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks

On all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

A Joke for my Dad

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this

should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor

asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a

patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,

a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want

a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Today I'll be Susan

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he had multiple personalities.
Sometimes he thought he was a character from an opera. At other times,
he thought he was a German soldier.

The psychiatrist was perplexed by the man's problem. After many
sessions, the psychiatrist still couldn't find a cause for the man's
split personality. But it was clear that the man didn't know if he was
Carmen or Goerring.